Rough Patch of 2015

I just went through a rough patch. But the good news is, I think I am coming out on the other side of it. It was crazy how I just suddenly found myself in the middle of negativity, sadness, and fatigue. I am usually not that kind of person. Residency is hard my friends. I think maybe exactly as difficult as I thought it would be--I had a meltdown right before starting residency when I was trying to fill every weekend and spare minute we had and Trent was tired from actually having a job and dared to turn down only one of my ideas, I remember getting heated and saying "This is it for me! It's all down hill from here. I will have no time. I will never do a single fun thing again once I start residency. Don't you understand??" We laugh about this now, but for the past 2 months, that is really how it seemed to me. I felt as if I all I did was work and sleep. I had no time to call or keep in touch with anyone that is important to me. I had no time to enjoy my coffee or make cookies. I forgot what having energy was like. On this end of the rough patch, I realize that isn't completely true, but I had suddenly become surrounded by some cloud of negative energy. It took a residency applicant's questioning to make me realize that I had somehow stopped being amazed at life--I am being a little dramatic as this was only really a time period of a few weeks, but it shook me up that I stopped being me even for that short time without even realizing it. She had asked a bunch of questions naturally, but then she said, "Well, probably the most important question--Are you happy?" ............and I paused. For an awkawardly long amount of time. Trent said so afterward. And I can't really remember how I recovered, but I was just struck at how slow I was to answer that question. 5 months ago, in a heartbeat I would have answered yes and quickly listed a bunch of reasons why things were so great, but that night I just paused. And I hated that I did. So, I did a little self reflection and realized that I had stopped being the whole person. Completely cliche. But really. I had stopped making it a priority to go to mass. I had stopped running and exercising. I had stopped enjoying every breath of fresh air when I had the chance to be outdoors. I had stopped being inspired or searching for inspiration. I was just going through the motions and trying to get through the day there for a while. But then I thought am I happy about being in medicine? I had sure done a lot of complaining about it for a while. My first glimmer of a dream about being a doctor included the white coat and stethoscope around my neck that is now my life. On this side of the rough patch, I am thinking, wow that is really pretty remarkable that every test, every hour spent anticipating a grade, every wine night celebrating every test before I acquired my name badge that says Dr. Ashley Powell, DO did actually lead to living that dream. Now I actually hear something when I use my stethoscope and can interpret what happens when I use the reflex hammer that I had received when I was 10.  And I have been the first person to ever hold several babies as they took their first breath of life. Woah. But I had stopped appreciating these things. Once I realized I needed inspiration, I looked up a couple motivating blogs and podcasts. One question that came up was "What would you do even if you knew you were going to fail?" And the point of the whole thing was that whatever the answer is that is the thing you should be doing obviously. And then I thought what if with all of my complaining and negativity about how hard residency is, they told me I should quit. And I thought, "wellllll hold on here now. I don't reeeaally actually want to do that." I am doing what I have longed to do and I truly wouldn't want to do something else. I just need to get a better handle on doing it and living life simultaneously. And today, at 0300 in the call room on my second to last night of my second round of night float, I think I will get there.

So that is how I overcame my rough patch of 2015. I just wanted to have this all in writing somewhere so I can remember this when the next stumbling block happens. Also, we have never been this slow on night float and I can't sleep, so I decided to write a blog post of all things. I guess I did become inspired...or delirious. :)